The Hercules Myth Accuracy Index

As promised in my latest Love!Vomit video, which is saving and uploading as I’m typing this, I have a little supplemental blog post for you. Can I just say that I am so terrible at making short videos? If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself from filming and editing myself talking into a camera for the last 11 weeks, it’s that I AM LONG-WINDED AS HELL. Especially when I’m talking about something that fills me with such nerdy glee as mythology does.

If you’re not a regular Love!Vomit watcher, then a) you should be, and b) here’s a little background info — every other week for the past 4 weeks or so, I’ve been including a segment in my videos called “KEGMTL,” which stands for “Kristin Explains Greek Mythology to Laura,” Laura being the lovely lady who posts her videos on Wednesdays. In case the name isn’t self-explanatory enough as it is, I basically do a little impromptu mythology class, in which I put popular stories into .. well, my own words.

Tonight’s video was about Hercules, and HOLY CRAP I can talk about that guy and the wide breadth of the stories about him for hours. I finally edited down my video to about 7:00, and that was only because the batteries in my video camera died. URGH! What I didn’t get to talk about enough (or really at all) in the video was the comparison between the Hercules stories and the Disney animated movie Hercules (1997). But hey, that’s what this blog is for!

And now, inspired by Daily Intel’s completely subjective point system for tallying the “reality” of a show like Gossip Girl (which I also happen to love), I bring you my OWN completely subjective point system for tallying the accuracy of Disney’s Hercules when compared to the mythology. Are you with me? Good! Now lets go!

More Accurate Than Teenage Herc’s Freaky-Big Hands and Feet (and you know what that means … BIG GLOVES AND SOCKS, PERVS!)

• The Titans DID come before the gods! Good job, Disney! (Yes, I am already grasping for straws. Humor me). Also, Zeus DID seize power from the Titans. And many (though not all of them) were imprisoned somewhere around the world or in the underworld. Plus 3
• The ferry Hades rides through the Underworld (maybe through the river Styx? or Lethe?) is being commandeered by a freaky ass skeleton thing that one can assume is Charon. While Charon surely wasn’t a freaky ass skeleton, it gets Plus 1 for including him at all!
• And hey, Cerberus! Who can resist a good three-headed dog? (I know Hagrid couldn’t) Plus 1
• According to Edith Hamilton, there was a prophecy about Hercules, but that’s about as much is it has in common with the “prophecy” the Fates foretell to Hades. Plus 1/2
• Hades is correct. You cannot, in fact, kill a god. Or a Titan, for that matter. Yes, it made the war between the Gods and the Titans nearly impossible because NO ONE COULD DIE. But I digress! Plus 1/2
• Baby Hercules strangling and killing 2 snakes that came to kill him? CORRECT! Plus 10. In the myth the snakes were sent (probably by Hera) to harm him and his half-brother Iphicles. While Iphicles screamed his head off (as babies are wont to do), baby Hercules laughed as he strangled the giant things and killed them.
• Hercules’ (adopted) parents are name Alcmene and Amphitryon! Although their roles are all wrong, at least they got the names right. Plus 2.
• The awkwardness of movie!Hercules figuring out the bounds of his own strength seem on par. It makes sense that he would mimic what others would do only to have immensely different results purely based on the Zeus-given gift of his physical abilities. Plus 5
• Also, his consistent apologizing for his wrongdoings seems to be in line with myth!Herc. He’s not thinking anything through, he’s not really aware of what he’s doing, and when he messed up and hurts something or someone by accident, he’s so so so so sorry. Adult myth!Hercules is constantly punishing himself for his own shortcomings, so it makes sense. It’s quite a large characteristic of his that they got right dead on, even though I’m sure it wasn’t intentional. Pardon the snark! Plus 15
• Philoctetes and Hercules knew each other. That’s about the only thing regarding Phil that the movie got right. Plus 1
• Hey, Thebes! Even though myth!Hercules is from Thebes, and therefore going to Thebes wouldn’t be a big plot point, at least they got the city right. Plus 1
• The centaur Nessus (who WAS a river guardian, plus 1) does play a role in the Hercules myth, but not this role. Nessus actually harassed Hercules’ second wife, Deianira when they were crossing a river shortly after their marriage. Herc shot him and killed him, but Nessus told Deianira to take some of his blood and to use it as a charm for Hercules if he ever loved another woman more than her. She ended up dousing a robe in the blood when she got jealous of some princess later on down the line, and when he put it on, it was like the robe was burning him alive. GOOD JOB, NESSUS! So anyway, plus 7 for getting some of that right.
• Yay Megara! She was Hercules first wife. Even though they don’t get her story right in the least, I like that they included her. And this is my purely subjective points system, so I’m giving them plus 2 just for including her. And because I like “I Won’t Say I’m in Love.”
• Killing the Hydra was one of Hercules’ twelve labors. And yes, it was a creature who had many heads, and who has 2 new heads grow back when one was cut off. It was technically his second labor, but they included it, so I’m happy. Plus 5
• Several other of his labors appear in the Zero to Hero montage: the great boar, the Nemean lion, the Stymphalian birds. A shot of a giant sea serpent he killed is included, and though it wasn’t technically a labor, just a random good deed for a Trojan king who he later killed, it’s still cool that they included it. Plus 10, because I love this song SO MUCH.
• Yes, Herc was the most famous person in all of Greece. Tru dat. Plus 1
• Phil’s rundown of Hercules’ schedule as he gets his portrait painted includes some more of his labors: the Augean stables, Hippolyta’s girdle. Way to sneak those references in there! Plus 2
• Going to the Underworld was technically one of Hercules’ labors, too. Even though it wasn’t to save anyone, just to borrow Hades’ three-headed dog for awhile,  I’ll allow it. Plus 1

Total: 68

More Wrong than the Titans looking like Freaky Elemental Monsters

• There are NINE Muses. Not five. Minus 4 for the missing four muses.
• Seriously, can we talk about what this movie did to the Titans? Titans were elder Gods, and therefore were just as anthropomorphic and intelligent as them. The freaky elemental monsters that seem to be dumb as posts irk me to no end. Minus 10
• This is a big one: Hercules was not the son of Zeus and Hera. He was the son of Zeus and Alcmene, a mortal woman from Thebes. Because he was the product of one of her husbands many, many affairs, Hera hated Hercules with the fiery rage of a thousand suns. Hercules was NOT born a god! Minus 20
• And Pegasus? Not a part of this myth. Pegasus was supposedly born from the spillage of Medusa’s blood after Perseus chopped her head off. The only story about Pegasus is about Pegasus and a guy named Bellerophon, who tried to use Pegasus to ride up to Olympus to hang with the gods. Minus only 5, ’cause movie!Pegasus makes me laugh.
• Hades was not Hercules’ enemy. Hera was. Minus 10
• Pain and Panic? Made up oafish demons for Hades to boss around, and have no basis in this (or any other) myth. Also, they annoy me. Minus 3
• The Fates as shown in the movie are actually a combination of two sets of freaky elderly sisters. There were the Fates, who spin and cut the threads of human life, and the Graiae (or Gray Women), who were old, prophetic and shared one eye between the three of them. They got some things right, despite combining stories, so minus only 2.
• The whole “THE WORLD WILL CHANGE IN 18 YEARS OMGOMG” prophecy? Nope. Not accurate. Minus 5
• I’m doubtful about the existence of a potion that can magically take away a god’s immortality. No points are taken away, since these guys are gods and can basically do whatever the hell they want, but … I’m still doubtful.
• Amphitryon and Alcmene weren’t poor farmers — they were Theban nobles! Amphi was a distinguished general, and Alc was his hot mama of a wife. Minus 2
• I don’t think the neighborhood kids would have made fun of Hercules if movie!Herc’s temper was as raging as myth!Herc’s was. Minus 5
• Hercules’ entire journey was not to “find where he belonged,” as the movie says. According to the myth, Hercules did everything he did to gain peace of mind after accidentally killing his wife and children. He was always punishing himself — after murdering your family, finding a niche must not seem as important a priority. Minus 15
• Philoctetes *headdesk* Out of everything, this might bother me the most. First of all, Philoctetes was actually younger than Hercules — he was probably a part of the gang that followed him around all the time (if you’re the strongest man in the world, the most popular guy in Greece, and are constantly around doing awesome shit, you’re going to have a crowd following you wherever you go). Also, Phil wasn’t a satyr! All of movie!Phil’s satyr qualities resemble the god Pan very closely. Minus 20
• Also, Phil didn’t train Jason, Perseus, Theseus, Odysseus, or Achilles, either. For that matter, Odysseus and Achilles would have come after Hercules.  So a young Hercules wouldn’t be looking at a statue of Achilles in awe. ANACHRONISM! Minus 15
• The only mention of Philoctetes in my books says that Hercules, on his deathbed, bequeathed his famous bow to Phil, who then took it with him to the Trojan war. He apparently used it to kill Paris, the prince of Troy who ran away with Helen and started the war in the first place. That is how I deduce that a) Phil is younger than Herc; and b) the events of the Iliad and Odyssey come after the Hercules myths. Minus 5 just because I feel like it.
• “Hey, that was the mast of the Argo!” Hercules was on the Argo. Minus 3
• The real Megara didn’t have a “deal with the devil.” Though she got a pretty shitty deal at the end of her own life, events didn’t go down like this. Minus 1
• Is that a cyclops loafing around with the Elemental Monsters they’re trying to pass off as Titans? No no no! Minus 1
• I’m just nitpicking at this point, but if Hercules did turn back into a god while saving Megara from the underworld, then his true godly form would have burned Megara alive, thus killing her all over again. On top of that, when Hercules was fighting the “Titans” and Hades on Olympus in the first place, HIS mortal self would have been burned alive in the presence of all of the Olympians. Minus 2 because now my head hurts!

Total: 128

As you can see, the inaccuracy total completely dwarfs the accuracy total. And yet … I still love it! C’est la vie.